Its that time of year again… Happy New Years
Good afternoon, I can’t believe that its 2017 already, I didn’t realise until now but 2016 went pretty fast. Throughout this whole year, I’ve been reflecting on my life choices, attitudes and mental being, which has been a rollercoaster if I do say so myself.
During that time especially towards the end of 2016, I realised that I wasn’t very happy with my current situation, I was grateful that I had a (temporary)roof over my head, food in the stomach etc but I was uneasy. I constantly felt this sense of anxiety /uneasiness/lacking/being lost/ loneliness. It was a very hard thing to address and understand, I was so indesisive with what I wanted to do (or what I thought I wanted to do). Most of my actions and thoughts were driven on that basis of what others would think, I constantly kept putting myself down for not achieving certain things by that time i.e. not passing my driving test, not having my own space, not dominating the online world, not have a lucrative business yet, Not Not Not..
Having this mentality really took a toll on my self confidence and I just felt like I was lost and all I wanted to do was go back to Jamaica to be around my mum and grandparents that grew me up from birth. I remember crying when I came to the realisation that I was going to go back to Jamaica for a bit this year, to get back to myself and have that motherly love I’ve missed so much. In that moment it solidified how important it was for me to do this, not just to get a break, but for my mental health.
I remember telling my dad that I was planning to go back for a bit and it turned into a big uproar, I think that was one of the worst discussions *cough cough..arguments* my dad and I have ever had. He didn’t understand why I wanted to go back to Jamaica because “I should be trying to settle down, get my own place, get that 9-5″, “Jamaica isn’t running away”, “you can’t run away from your problems” etc and all I could think about was how can he not see that I feel like I’m drowning (and I don’t know how to swim). I felt like he was listening to reply instead of really listening to what I was trying to say. As a result of this I began to feel like maybe what I’m planning to do isn’t right, “am I running away from my problems? am I giving up too easy? do I need to just suck it up and get on with it? remember you wasn’t sent here from Jamaica to do nothing with your life…”
During that time I got a job, decided to stop studying art *heart broken* and focus on finding enough money for a place and look into what job I would like to do. This is where all the “should I just wait to go Jamaica now, maybe going when I want to go isn’t going to work anymore, my dads gonna have a fit when I go Jamaica because he’s happy that I’m now working and taking a break from blogging.”
Don’t get me wrong I was happy that I got a job too, because I love being independent, I hate feeling like I have to depend on anyone. But, I still wasn’t happy at the idea of not going Jamaica anymore because I didn’t want to risk being in a worst financial position when I come back. For a while I kept going back and forth with what I wanted to do and trying to find ways around making what I’m planning to do sound better to other people “c’mon Shevelle you have to have a plan, have this much in savings, look for this type of job, make sure that you know what you’re doing because they are going to make you feel like you’re stupid for wanting to do this”. I felt like it was me against them.
Fast forward to some more soul searching and going back and forth with other members of my family about what a stupid idea it is, and how its going to look that I’m going jamaica to live of my mum? and before you know it you’re going to be 30, and I don’t see you making any plans for your future.. I decided that you know what Jamaica is on my heart, so I’m going to do it, this is what I NEED right now. I think constantly battling with other people who are trying to tell me whats good for ME allowed me to really think about what IS good for me and what type of life I want. I get it, my family’s concerns and sometimes harsh comments are coming from a loving place and the need for just wanting to see me on my feet, but what they fail to understand is, we have different understandings on what it means.
In the last days of 2016 I made a promise to myself to stay true to my inner NJUBIEN(nubian) even if it upsets those around you, because at the end of the day, its your life. The crazy thing is since making that promise to myself, investing in reading books about wellbeing and the Art of Attraction. My trip to Jamaica is going to be way more than what I originally planned it to be, I’m literally counting down the time and I can’t wait to start sharing those plans with you guys.
So referring back to my title, YES, it may be cliche but this really is a new me, I’m working on having a new mentality, being closer to God and being my true self.
Side note: During my self discovery time I took a personality test called 16 personalities and it was pretty much correct with who I am. I also didn’t know that I could look for jobs in regards to my personality as well (Thanks Nijah) so if you’re feeling lost or confused, I really encourage you taking it, as it can bring some clarity and expose you to potential career paths that you never considered.
Happy New Years again, I hope you found some inspiration for my 1000word essay (wished they were this easy to write in uni) and remember to just be happy.
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pssst don’t forget: “You are Beautiful, Loved and Unique, thats why you are you!!” SR